Saturday, December 30, 2006

more information on my bathroom--scalding hot apocalypse--i like saunas, not naked men

One important piece of information which I failed to include in my last update on Chinese bathrooms was the interesting phenomenon of the Drain Spawning Fly Bugs. These little critters (about 1/10th the size of a normal fly) somehow find their way into the shower drain. I don't know where they come from. The rest of my apartment is bug free. My cat makes sure of that (lacking mice, he likes to hunt and eat bugs). So these little guys must climb up into the drain from their secret Drain Spawning Fly Bug Megalopolis, which is perhaps in the sewers somewhere deep below the city of Chengdu.

Although at first they appear almost cute, eventually various aspects of their existence start to grate on you. For instance, you may be sitting on the toilet and then look down and see a bug and think: this is gross. Or, you may be taking a shower and then look down and see a bug and think: this is gross. Or, you may have guests over, and decide that you would rather not have them nauseated by the dozens of minuscule little creatures climbing out of your shower drain.

So, obviously, one cannot abide the existence of these creatures in one's apartment. But how does one deal with Drain Spawning Fly Bugs? They are so tiny, and difficult to catch. Plus, they hide in a place that is difficult to swat at; that is, the drain. Have you ever tried swatting the inside of a drain? You cannot. Essentially you can only pat the inside of it, which is gross, because you're touching the inside of a drain. I don't recommend it.

Of course, if you were a genius with an IQ of 170, you would think of some really clever and also humane way to get rid of the little bastards. However, if you are like me, with a recorded IQ of x^{Y*7.2} , you will not really think at all, and instead just decide to deliver a scalding hot apocalypse unto their innocent and relatively moist world.

How does one do this, you may be wondering? How exactly does one deliver a dose of fatally hot water onto these little creatures? Well, the answer is complicated, and involves a deep understanding of gas stoves. I won't go into it here. But when it's all done I have a tea kettle filled to the brim with boiling hot water, which I then dump down the drain.

This madness, this eerily silent slaughter of countless bugs and their poor, innocent offspring, ensues behind a swirling veil of steam, which rises up from the drain and makes me feel quite refreshed and even sleepy, as if I am in a sauna. I like saunas, but not when other naked men are in them. Thankfully, at these times, there are no naked men in my bathroom. Just dead bugs. It usually makes we want to take a nap.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

My friend tells me that the Chinese (and Taiwanese) construction industry is too cheap to put in a 2 cent piece (basically a u-shaped tube) that prevents bugs and odors from coming back up the pipe.

2:06 AM  

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