Thursday, December 21, 2006

perversion in domestic animals--LOBO--i don't know, go away

Many of you have written me emails with questions such as: "Is your cat perverted?" or "Hey, what kind of perverted animal do you have in your apartment?" and also "What is your favorite shower position?"

The answer to all of these questions is deeply personal. Let me respond to them to the best of my ability.

As everyone knows, Chinese architects have difficulty distinguishing between "showers," "bathroom floors," and "toilets," meaning that in many bathrooms throughout China these three things are either combined together or not partitioned as definitively as they are in the rest of the world. So, in my bathroom, I stand on the floor right next to the toilet when I take a shower, and there is no separate shower door or curtain. It also just so happens that the designers of my apartment constructed a square hole in the wall of the bathroom, about seven feet off the ground, that provides a perfect vantage point for watching whatever is happening on the toilet or in the shower.

Now, whenever anyone enters the bathroom, my cat, who is actually a small, Chinese demon that I need to neuter as soon possible, charges into the room adjacent to my bathroom, leaps up onto my washing machine, and then leaps up four feet vertically into the hole. People visiting my apartment for the first time and expecting to have some innocent, private pee-time, invariably get startled when he lauches himself up above them, especially if they don't know I have a cat. Anyway, once there, the cat watches you with an absorbed and deeply fascinated expression as you pee, shit, take a shower, or do whatever else you like to do when in the bathroom. Sometimes he even licks himself while watching you. It's gross. I feel completley violated and I'm sure many of my guests do, too, but there is little I can do to stop him.

I asked LOBO, who is an expert on all things related to perverted cats, why my cat is so perverted. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Why is my cat so perverted?
LOBO: My name is LOBO
Me: Why is my cat so perverted?
LOBO: I like wearing pants. Pants.

LOBO, as always, was a great deal of help on this matter, however, I still am no closer to finding an answer. Does my cat just like seeing people naked and watching them pee? Or is there some deeper reason? I don't know and for Christ's sake, Chris, stop emailing me about perverted animals.

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6 Comments:

Anonymous ljeans said...

ha ha ha
remember what happened to us when we tried to advertise for kittens on craiglist!

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Precious Slices said...

I have a Chinese cat who did the same thing. Then I brought him back to the US where he continues to violate the privacy of roommates and house guests. Maybe all Chinese cats just like staring at naked laowai.

7:55 PM  
Blogger KMM said...

of course i remember! it was surprisingly difficult. but let me tell you, getting cats in china is both much easier and much more depressing.

7:08 AM  
Blogger KMM said...

precious slices--was it difficult to get the cat back to the us?

7:08 AM  
Anonymous precious slices said...

I used a kind of broker who handled international animal transportation to make the arrangements. You need a health certificate, a customs certificate and a plane ticket. No quarantine necessary. The poor kitty was a bit traumatized from the journey, but is now a happily naturalized American.

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

my friends cat has developed an obsession with her boyfriends penis. the cat follows him into the bathroom, and stares at it intently any time they have sex. in conclusion all cats are perverts. (mines a homosexual)

5:45 PM  

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