Thursday, March 22, 2007

news from the wire--by pablo--"man defeats china, sets sights on tiddlywinks"

MAN WINS "BEST AT CHINA AWARD," USES AWARD MONEY TO BUY DIRTY TWO PIECE SUIT

BY PABLO

BEIJING, CHINA—Lewis Snodgrass last night bested two other competitors to win the annual “Best at China Award.” The award, first established in 2003 by China ex-patriot Lewis Snodgrass, was created in order to honor those who “live in the real China, speak Chinese, and just generally kick China’s ass, all the time, and with verve.” Past winners have included Lewis Snodgrass (three times) and Bill Cosby (once).

The goal of the award is to help distinguish the valuable Chinese ex-patriots from the valueless, “long term tourist types” who, Mr. Snodgrass explains, have been steadily polluting Chinese culture over the past 20-30 years.

“Basically, most people suck at China,” Mr. Snodgrass says. “First you have the tourists, who by their very nature are retarded and valueless. Then you have the temporary residents, who live a year or two and then leave. Their understanding of this country is about equal to a bug’s understanding of my gargantuan brain.

“The long term residents maybe have some value, but they’re usually too stupid to understand the complex aspects of Chinese society, such as massive industrial dumping, or pooing on the sidewalk”

This year’s winner, Mr. Snodgrass, has been living in China for eight years, speaks Chinese fluently, has a Chinese wife, and only eats Chinese food. He works in the administrative unit of a large Chinese electronics company, where he uses a set of five hundred stamps to stamp anything put in front of him—a position almost impossible for most other foreigners to get.

“We decided to award Mr. Snodgrass with the award this year because of his continuing efforts to know and experience everything about the real China” explained Mr. Snodgrass. “If you make the analogy that China is like a giant country of 1.3 billion people, then you could continue it and say that Mr. Snodgrass is totally the best at that country, which is actually China, if you remember. So you can say Mr. Snodgrass is the best at China, a country of 1.3 billion people, in East Asia, in which lives Mr. Snodgrass, formerly of Dryden, NY, and who is the best at it—China, that is.”

Mr. Snodgrass also established an organization, “The Best at China Awards Group,” which operates out of the bedroom of his fifth floor apartment. The group accepts anonymous nominations for the award but, Mr. Snodgrass warns, the competition is fierce. “Mr. Snodgrass wins every year because China bows before the might of his intellect. I recommend that you not apply next year, because he’s sure you suck at China, and he hates you, asshole.”

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2 Comments:

Blogger Brian said...

Ok, I'm hooked! Subscribing to your rant now. Delicious stuff.

12:48 AM  
Blogger KMM said...

Awesome! If you want to send me some money that'd be pretty cool too.

10:55 PM  

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