news from the wire--by a dog named osvaldo--"ow! i can breathe!"

BREATHABLE AIR SHUTS DOWN SMALL CHINESE TOWN

BY A DOG NAMED OSVALDO

GUZHOU, SICHUAN—A state of emergency was declared here and thousands of people remained locked inside their homes Friday after a large pocket of breathable air was seen hovering over the city.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Lao Wang, a thirty year old factory worker. “There was a part of the sky that was just empty. No strange colored haze. No coal dust. It was just . . . empty. You could even see this strange blue color. I ran into my house and cried.”

Widespread panic among the populace created an almost riot, until local police and army moved in and took control of the situation, ordering residents into their homes and issuing a curfew.

A crack crew of scientists was brought in to attempt to solve the problem, while military and police personnel were required to where blue-spectrum sun glasses to shield them from the blinding color.

Meteorologists remained puzzled. However Dr. Jin Huaren of the Sichuan Wind that Blows Study Institute has postulated that the strange atmospheric conditions may have been due to wind.

“It would seem” said Dr. Jin, “that areas south of here, with some of the worst breathable air in the country, have suddenly been benefited with some of Guzhou’s smog. This follows the present wind patterns of north to south. So, yeah, I think its wind. Definitely wind. Yeah definitely definitely wind.”

As of last night all factories have been ordered for maximum output, and as many diesel trucks as could be found have been turned on and left running. The hope is that the “smog hole” will be closed by the morning, and the residents of this small town can get back to living their normal lives.