Saturday, May 05, 2007

news from the wire--by eleanor roosevelt--"holes in the ground fucking suck"

RESEARCHERS: HOLES IN THE GROUND SUCK

BY ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

BEIJING, CHINA—Researchers working as part of the Chinese Olympic Committee here have made a major research discovery on the value and long-term benefits of using Chinese hole-in-the-ground toilets versus Western sit-down toilets. The verdict? “Hole in the ground toilets suck,” says Prof. Liu Fei, head researcher, “it is our recommendation that all Beijing—and eventually, all of China—switch to the Western style toilets.”

The researches investigated thousands of bathrooms throughout China, comparing cleanliness and general sanitation standards. The results were shocking. “In bathrooms that used traditional holes there was, in fact, no sanitation whatsoever. Bathrooms using Western style toilets had sanitation levels varying from 40% to 90%.”

According to the study, holes in the ground generally do not function well as receptacles of any form of excretion. In regards to urination, it found that most male users are incapable of actually hitting the hole and instead spray their liquid waste material all over the surrounding foot rests and floor.

As for defecation, any toilet used during the day generally features a giant mound of feces that actually rises above the floor level and is left behind because either the toilet does not have an adequate flush mechanism or the user simply forgets to flush. Even worse, most holes in the ground can’t handle toilet paper, so there are generally baskets in the corners overflowing with defecation smeared paper.

The researchers did not pursue investigation of long-hole style bathrooms (bathrooms with one long, ditch style hole used communally by all bathroom users) because one researcher died after being exposed to the fumes for too long.

“As any visitor knows," adds Prof. Liu, "Chinese bathrooms generally look and smell like a septic pipe exploded—sorry, I mean like five or six septic pipes exploded. This is not an image we’d like the world to go away with after the Olympics.”

Western toilets, on the other hand, encourage users to do their business in the actual confines of the toilet, a feature of immense value considering the notorious sloppiness of the mainland Chinese.

There are of course already critics of the plan to introduce more Western style toilets into China. Most note that the need for skin contact when using them negates any significant sanitation benefits. Prof. Liu Fei, however, considers this a weak argument. “Yes, this is often an issue that is raised with Western style toilets but the fact of the matter is that butt-cheek infections are quite rare. Last year there was only one butt-cheek infection throughout the entire world, and this happened to Billy Buttersly of Owego, New York who, as everyone knows, always has butt-cheek infections.”

Labels:

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What were the committee's findings re doors on toilets? Necessary or superfluous? Is the relative openness and transparency of Chinese public toilets (compared to other spheres of public life) an integral part of a 'harmonious society'? --Channa

2:02 AM  
Anonymous Chris said...

my only question is this: Where do people go to commit spontaneous acts of anonymous homosexual sex and/or snort lines of coke when western-style toilets are not available? i'm afraid i can't possibly commit ot coming to visit you until this question has been answered to my satisfaction.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

I hate buttcheek infections. Hooray for holes!

10:32 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home